[February 04, 2004]


Letting go and losing control.

Eyes: Listless
Ears: Wanting to hear approval
Mood: Alone

It's bloody late in the morning and I'm dead tired. Been back around 11 but haven't really done much since then except of changing out of clothes that smell of a combi of exhaust fumes, ciggy smoke and stale oil. Makeup's still on, and at the rate I'm going, I'm throwing all skincare caution to the wind and sleeping as I am.

The dinner date went better than expected, truthfully. Arrived early as I usually do, since I needed to scout around to find the most inconspicous spot to position myself; to be able to see people, but them not neccessarily seeing me. I have no idea why I need to do that, but I've always done it. Mark and Ju arrived, fashionably late, and we went off for dinner at some low-key eatery. It did take a while to get back into the groove of things, but we were soon back cracking corny jokes and reminiscing about the old JC days.

There's a nice fuzzy feeling inside me when we were out together tonight. They haven't changed one bit since I saw them last. And that's good. I hate change, and I'm not the least bit adaptable.

Dinner over and a choc-banana cake later, we hopped on over to another coffee joint and sat our big fat arses down, continuing our do-you-remembers and gab fest. Mel was texted and was coming to meet us with her new guy dropping her off. Altogether, it was great fun, and it suddendly dawned on me how much I've missed my friends.

I've somehow managed to alienate myself from the people I know; so gradually over time that I never did notice the extent of the seperation. And during all this time, I've gotten more and more desperate for people's approval and acceptance, without realising the fact that I'm the one not letting them come close enough. I've always needed to plan things, to orchestrate and control the outcomes. But not everything in life is regimented and I can't really dictate what anyone else is going to think, or say, or do. So where does that leave me?

I'm a control freak and I no longer have control of myself.

I cry.

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